Overcoming Workplace Mental Health Challenges: My Personal Journey
TW: Suicidal Ideation
Thursday in the Park with Linea
It's October, and I was sitting on a busy set of stairs in Bryant Park in New York City, crying on the phone with my mom.
The park was bustling with people and booths for a Christmas market. Workers and families filled every seat, enjoying lunch on a beautiful fall New York day.
Attending a Prestigious Conference
I, too, was taking my lunch break from the conference I was attending in town. I was delighted to have the opportunity to participate in this conference held by one of my favorite performing arts marketing firms. It was full of the top marketing staff from arts organizations I admired from all over the world, sharing incredible content and insights I could take back home.
Questioning Depression
The problem was, I couldn't stop thinking about death.
I cried as I told my mom I was worried my depression was coming back and that I didn't know if I would be able to stay out of the hospital.
The Reality of My Dream Job
I had gotten a job as the communications director at a beautiful Midwest performing arts center only eight months prior. I was elated at the opportunity. As a musician and having studied music in college, this job felt like a full-circle moment.
Reflecting on My Career Journey
As I left my prior company, I remembered telling one of my closest friends and colleagues that it almost felt like the "hero's journey." The journey in which I had started with the belief I would be a professional musician, life had thrown tremendous curve balls. I fell, got up, fell, and after discovering my true purpose in life, found my way to the dream all along.
Realizing the Job Wasn't Right
The problem was that now that I was in the dream, it didn't feel like it.
I was drowning. Though I loved my team, the activities of the job, and the challenge, I simply could not be the worker and person I wanted to be without making the job my life. I tried and failed and tried again to find ways I could be less committed, less of a perfectionist, and less driven to make big changes. But the fact was, there simply weren't enough hours in the day, and there simply wasn't a way for me personally to care less.
The Pain of Letting Go
My discontent showed up first as depression, amplified to simply wishing I didn't exist, and culminated with me realizing, on the steps of this bustling park, that I would end up in the hospital or worse if I didn't do something fast. My identity was so tied to the dream that I couldn’t imagine letting go.
Contemplating Resignation
Deep in my heart, I started to wonder if I had to resign.
Past Experiences with Suicidality
I had dealt with suicidality many times before. I had taken multiple sick leaves from work and had four hospitalizations. Over a decade of hard work, I knew my mental health was not something I could mess around with.
Taking a Health Leave
Returning home from the conference, I hoped a health leave would provide the time to bring me back to functionality. I hoped it would give me the clarity to prioritize my health so that when I returned, I could survive.
By Halloween, it felt urgent enough that I sat down with my supervisor, dressed in my best Kate Bush "Wuthering Heights" Halloween costume, and told her I needed to take leave.
Accepting My Limits
In the end, similar to my departure from music school at the age of 22, bearing a new diagnosis of bipolar, I realized I was not someone who could work around the clock. Though I loved work and, when passionate, would give my all until I dropped, I knew my body could not continue at this speed.
Understanding Individual Needs and Work Styles
We all have different needs, abilities, and work styles, and as I approached forty, I started to question what worked for me and my body. The job was an excellent fit for my skills and experience. I knew that. It had taken me many years and counseling sessions to get to the point where I could comfortably say I didn't have any doubt of my capabilities, skills as a leader, or ability to push through hard things to create a fantastic outcome.
Prioritizing Health Over Work
But what I was trying to believe now was that while I may have had the capabilities, I didn't want to keep pushing myself to the edge, knowing my body had added health challenges. I didn't want to keep risking my life for a job. And I learned with my passion for the work, I couldn't help but make the job my everything.
Planning a New Path Forward
So I had to ask myself, what now?
What would it look like to put my health first? How could I remain satisfied without my life revolving around work? How would I combine the skills I had built over a career of professional success with profound personal health insights? It looked like the answer was taking my side business of almost twenty years and pursuing it full-time.
Transitioning to My Side Business
After a painful examination of my situation, I realized I had to make a massive and immediate change. I left the performing arts center I loved and entered the unknown, terrified of what it meant.
Reflecting on the Decision Eight Months Later
I now sit here almost eight months later, assessing my decisions. It hasn’t been easy. It has been endless work combined with financial fear, extreme confidence tests, and more. But it has been the right choice. I have started to find out who I am when it came to being a professional. I have found what work-life balance can genuinely look like.
A New Beginning
A couple of weeks ago, at the start of Mental Health Awareness Month, I found myself coincidentally sitting in the same New York park. This time, I sat with one of my closest friends, drinking coffee, laughing, and sharing my excitement about the opportunity to now work with multinational companies supporting workplace mental health and my dreams of teaching the world how to be more compassionate, curious, and courageous.
Insights on Work-Life Balance
My biggest takeaway from this journey is that a healthy work-life balance looks different for everyone. There is no one-size-fits-all. Some people gain energy and joy from a life defined by the work and mission of their organization. Some people work for money to support their external pursuits and hobbies. Some people have no choice but to work to survive.
The Need for Inclusive Work Environments
We need to build cultures and jobs that allow people to work in ways that help them be their best selves and have the opportunities and flexibility to make choices. We need to build inclusive environments that allow people to feel their best, engage, be creative, feel energized, and be fully included and valued. We need to start even earlier and teach our young people that work may look different for everyone. In many ways, I think they are teaching us this important lesson.
Discovering My Work-Life Balance
After years of trials and errors, heartbreaks, and excitement, I have realized that being my best at work means doing chunks of very intensive work followed by chunks of leisure.
It means chunks of work that may look like a series of speeches, deep writing and research, intimate and vulnerable workshops, and long focused periods of creative problem-solving.
It also means nice big chunks of signing off, gardening, hanging out with my dog and husband, going on big and little adventures, reading murder mysteries, watching movies, playing video games, rock climbing and running.
Embracing My Sensitive and Obsessive Nature
Ask any of my family, and they will tell you I am a sensitive and often obsessive person. I need time to obsess over work, balanced with time to completely step away and obsess over the beauty of life around us.
Continuing the Career Journey
I continue to count this as another adventure on my career journey. It took me months to finally write this post and it still feels raw. You can see the progression by visiting my thoughts from last December.
In six months, I may write a post sharing I was completely wrong about my needs today. That's part of the adventure of it all. But for now, I am overjoyed about this next experiment.
A Bold Step Into the Unknown
I am excited to see what can happen if I go completely off the path I had envisioned for myself since I was a teenager. As Dorcas Cheng-Tozun states in Social Justice for the Sensitive Soul, "Finding your own way in social justice work requires courage, creativity, wisdom, and an openness to possibility."
Onward and upward!
Suicide Resources:
If you or someone you know is in crisis, call the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. In case of emergency, dial 911. (disponible en español )
Call or text 988.
Chat 988lifeline.org.
TTY users, use your preferred relay service or dial 711 and then 988.
Trans Lifeline: 1-877-565-8860 (para español presiona el 2)
The Trevor Project’s TrevorLifeline: 1-866-488-7386
Suicide lifeline for LGBTQ+
For more mental health resources visit The Thrive Shift Mental Health Resources page.
Sometimes taking care of your basic needs at work can be hard. Did I remember to eat today? Have I left my desk in the last three hours?
That is why I made myself a helpful self-care checklist. Download yours for free here!
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I found that paradoxically, being diagnosed as mentally ill made me feel less crazy because it wasn’t me just “acting out” or being “sensitive.” It was, in fact, something in my brain that I couldn’t control without knowing what it was. This diagnostic naming was a relief that I wasn’t the problem.